Clutter

Lately my mind has been full of clutter. Too many things to do, to remember, to think about and it has caused me a lot of stress. Sadly I've also had some conflicts this week with people that I genuinely like, which has made the clutter much worse.

I try to be a good friend and try to do the right thing but I am finding it hard this week. There's just something about ME that pisses people off and sadly I don't know what it is (and it has to be me because I've had 3 conflicts this week, and the common denomenator is...ME!).

I am trying to be compassionate and patient and understanding but I am having a hard time this week. I just have too much on my plate and it has spilled over into my friendships with others. The last thing I want is for people to think I'm an asshole, but I think it's too late for that.

It has left me quite sad and confused. I'm hoping that a weekend at home, without the internet, email or phone that I can clear the clutter and start fresh on Monday.

Happy Halloween!

Courtesy of my friend Chaundra Anderson

Facebook

I love to laugh. Most importantly, I love to laugh at myself. Life is hard enough without worrying about if I'm fat or ugly or if made a fool out of myself. Life is much easier if I can laugh at the things that are "wrong" with me. More importantly, I like making people laugh. And unfortunately, I am my best subject.

I have been told on a number of occassions that my Facebook feed is someone's favorite, that I make people laugh at least once a day. I hardly ever post serious stuff. No one gives a crap what I ate for breakfast or the cute Carley story that makes my day, unless that cute Carley story includes embarassing me.

So I post for humor and nothing more. Unfortunately, not everyone gets my humor and when I post a self-depricating comment, some people will try to "build me up" by posting something positive. While I appreciate the sentiment, after days and days and days of self-depricating humor, I wish that they would get that I'm just trying to be funny.

That's all. I just want to make people laugh. And I promise...it is OK to laugh at me (because no matter how old I get, I will never understand "We're not laughing AT YOU, we're laughing WITH YOU").....because I AM NOT LAUGHING.

Me and my boyfriend

I love the Vampire Diaries. And Damon. He loves me too, as you can tell in this photo we had taken together:

Be Kind

Never underestimate the power of a kind word. You never know what kind of lasting impression words have on people, the good and the bad. Wouldn't you feel good if someone told you years later that the kind things you said to them stuck with them? I know I would.

When I was in 7th grade, a boy in my class told me I had the prettiest eyes he'd ever seen. I rediscovered this friend on facebook in the last year or so and I told him that his compliment has stayed with me for the last 25 years or so. It may seem silly, but it's not a compliment I get much (really, compliments on my looks have always been few and far between), but it was also given to me during years of my life that were the hardest. Middle school sucked.

I've kept that compliment in the back of my mind and it is a reminder that you should be kind to people because you may never know how one kind thing can stay with someone for so long.

Times are tough

Oh boy. This is our house every night. If it's not one thing, it's another.

The hard part about being a parent is...being a parent. I am not here to be Carley's best friend. I am her mom and I am supposed to guide her and teach her to be a good person in life. Part of that is saying no.

Now, for some reason, everyone assumes (most likely because she's an only child) that I never tell my child 'no'. I have always been strict with Carley, but I did let her win some battles. I have never wanted my child to fear me or be submissive, so it's not my style to say no to every single thing. I let her win some battles but the important ones I always won. But since I'm not the one who is with her every single day, the discipline has been inconsistent.

Lately we have been more strict about things and it has made life hard, different. I am reluctant to take her public places. People stare at you like you are a child abuser or that you can't control your child instead of the child being a 3 year old that has yet to learn how to express herself.

Last night we had a fight about an ice cream cone. It ended up being a long night. This morning she woke up asking for that same ice cream cone. And so my day begins...I can only hope this is a quick phase. My patience is wearing thin.

The dust has settled...

...now that it has we have taken stock of the injuries. At the end of the day, Grammy ended up with 3 staples in her head. Carley, unfortuantely, was injured but I didn't see her injuries until later in the day. She has bruises and road rash from her forehead to her ankle. We took her in for xrays of her elbow (they thought it might be broken or fractured) but it's just swollen and sore. She can't or won't move her arm which makes getting dressed a bit difficult. Thankfully the weather has been cooler because the only button down shirts we own are sweaters.

After everyone went to bed last night and I made sure everyone was ok, I finally broke down. It was an awful day and emotionally traumatic for me. Today I'm sore from head to toe and some of the events after the fall are a blur so I'm starting to wonder if I physically carried both Carley and Grammy up the stairs. I don't know.

I'm glad everyone is recovering and soon Carley, who is more emotionally battered, will get past this.

911

Today was a normal day that in the blink of an eye went terribly wrong. My mother-in-law came go babysit Carley. They always come outside to say goodbye, today was no different. Except today their normal spot had a chair in the way so they stood at the front of the porch. Penny stumbled and couldn't stop gravity. She fell from the top of the porch to the cement sidewalk, all while holding Carley.

She hit her head really hard. She was knocked out for a few seconds. My neighbor, Jan, was on her porch watching the whole thing. As I was trying to see if Carley was bleeding, I was shouting to my neighbor to call 911. She didn't budge. She just stared at us. I can't even explain my anger. Maybe she didn't understand me, maybe she thought a woman in her 60's slamming her head on cement was not a big deal. I don't know but she wouldn't call help for us.

I'm not quite sure how I got everyone upstairs. Penny was bleeding like crazy, Carley was crying and I was freaking out. The medics came and just like that everything changed.

Carley has been emotional about it all as have I. It was an awful sight and I continue to worry about my mother-in-law, who is now at the doctors office getting looked at.

Tomorrow will be worse for Carley and Penny as their bumps and bruises become quite sore and I hope my guilt eases with each passing day.

Peanut Butter Pie

This is my favorite dessert. One I make well. I lose the recipe ALL THE TIME so I figured if I posted it on my blog, I'll always have it. Until Blogger gets bought out and I lose it or something.

Crust:

But Oreo cookie crust. But this weekend the store was out, so to make your own:
1 1/4 C chocolate cookie crumbs (20 cookies)
1/4 C sugar
1/4 C butter or margarine, melted

Filling:

1 package (8 ounces) of cream cheese softened
1 C peanut butter (creamy is best)
1 C sugar
1 Tbsp butter or margarine, softened
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 C heavy whipping cream (or cheat by using Cool Whip, but I like to whip my own cream)

Directions:

Crust
Combine crust ingredients, Press into a pie plate. Bake at 375 for 10 minutes. let cool

Filling
Beat cream cheese, peanut butter, sugar, butter, and vanilla until smooth. Fold in whipped cream (I have found that "folding" makes it grainy so I stir it fast and well). Spoon into crust and garnish with cookie crumbs, chocolate, fudge, whatever. Chill.

I freeze it because it holds up better that way. Fridge makes it softer to eat, but I find it's too soft.

Enjoy. I have never heard one person say this was bad.

Happy Fathers Day

My dad is not like any other dad. Growing up my dad was the one to comfort me when a boy broke my heart (which happened too many times). He has been there to help me at a moments notice when my car has died, when something in the house has broken or other random problems I have.




I think no matter how old I get I will always need my dad.

Happy fathers day to my dad!

My Grandpa, who passed away 8 years ago also deserves a mention. I loved him a lot. His death was hard for me because I was his "pumpkin", Grandpa's girl. He was there for me too when I needed him. I recall one night when I still lived with my parents I came home from WCC late. I got on the phone and heard a knock on the door. I said "who is it?" and got no response. The knocking continued and it scared me to death. I hung up with my friend and called my grandpa. My grandpa and uncle Dave were there in less than a minute with flashlights and ready to kick some ass. They walked around the house and never found anyone but I think about that and how quickly they came to help me. I have been lucky to have a close family, to have a dad and grandpa who love me so much.

Happy fathers day!

Lonliness

Lonliness. I'm amazed at how many people don't know the pain of lonliness. I'm glad they haven't had to experience it but I also think it is a disadvantage.

I didn't get married until I was 29. I lived alone for alot of years and my teen years were filled with exfreme lonliness with my parents working a lot and my brother had a license and a job so I had a lot of time alone.

I work with two women that others hate. These women talk alot and I've come to realize that they aren't terrible people, they are just lonely. I ask them about movies and other small things in their lives and we have pleasant conversations. It's because I understand where they are coming from.

Imagine for a second that you aren't married. You have no kids and no family nearby. You go to work and you come home. You live alone. Wouldn't you feel lonely too? Who would you talk to about the movie you rented, or the jerk at the store who cut in front of you?

My cousin is mentally ill and is making his way in the court system. Imagine now that you're not married, no kids and family is semi distant, now put a mental illness on top. Do you think you'd feel isolated and alone? I imagine that's how my cousin feels and it makes me sad. I want to be there for him because I have felt that lonliness. My family thinks I'm just a sensitve nutcase who doesn't see Ryan for what he is. But I think they were lucky enough to never feel alone.

I'm rambling at this point and everyone will think I'm a nutjob but I feel sadness for my cousin. That's all.

Buddhism

I've never been religious but that doesn't mean I don't believe that there's something after death. After some pondering I've realized that a lot if my own beliefs fall under Buddhism ideals.

I went to a book store tonight and got a book on Buddhist teachings. I don't know if this is for me or not but I'm curious. I will likely never go to a Buddhist church but I will read up and see I this religion is for me.

My parents are Catholic, my brother and sister-in-law are Christian so I am sure I will endure ridicule but I'm ready for it and maybe at the end I'll find nirvana.

Thoughts on Lost

It's a TV show. I know, but it's a TV show I have loved from episode 2. I can't say episode 1 because I recall thinking that this show had NO WHERE to go after (what we now know was the smoke) monster ripping up trees as the castaways waited for rescue on the beach. I thought it was ridiculous and stupid...yet I was curious enough to come back and I don't think I missed an episode in the 6 years it was on.

The finale gave us closure. **SPOILER ALERT** The castaways are all dead. But the island wasn't hell, really. It was hell the adjective not the noun.
The sideways stories was how they wanted their lives if they had never crashed but in reality was the "in between" death and the afterlife. Heavy stuff, right?

In the end, Lost was Jack's story. His path to enlightenment or whatever you believe. He
had peace with his life and he entered the afterlife with the people he loved and the people who were most important to him.

I am not religious in any way, shape or form. The only times I ever went to church was when I spent a Saturday night with my best friend who was Catholic. And even then I only went because I had a years long crush on her cousin. I think if I was to enter a church now, I just might burst into flames. But, I digress...

I am not sure if I believe in heaven. I think there are other ideas out there. I like how Lost ended because I like to think that when my life is over I might be reunited with those I love before moving on to the next life.

Internet blackout

Today I am in a self-imposed Internet blackout. How am I writing this? From my phone where I can post without nagivating through the information I'm trying to avoid.

Why am I doing this? Because the Lost finale is tonight. I love spoilers. I read about movies from a movie spoiler site when I hear a movie has a shocking ending. I try to find out who wins Survivor before an episode airs.

But with Lost, I'd like to find out how it's going to end as it appears on my screen so I haven't checked facebook, I haven't twittered, I haven't even read the news. And I can tell you that it feels great, being away from the Internet. I've read 3 magazines from beginning to end, played hide and seek and had a tea party and it's only noon.

I just might have to find another reason to do this again. I mean, there WAS a time when there was no Internet (how soon we forget).

Friends

I have recently recieved a two very nice compliments from friends and in receiving these compliments I have come to realize that I don't think very much of myself. I wish I knew why that was.

I have a belief that I am forgetful, almost like I"m invisible. I am there, but once I'm gone, so are all traces of me. I identify myself by full name (or title) when calling collegues and even when I call family members, who aren't my parents or sibling, I identify myself not only by my full name, but my full maiden name.

I don't know when it started, but I wish I knew why it started. The result is that I am surprised when I get a compliment.

The first was from someone who told me that she wanted to spend time with me outside of work. I never thought that spending time with me would be something people would find fun. I really haven't.

The other was a friend who told me that I always made her laugh and that she wished we lived closer.

It means a lot to me that my friends would say that, and even more so because they don't know that it meant a lot to me. I hope to instill better self-esteem in my daughter, because it's not fun, thinking people forget you the second you walk out of the room.

Goodbye

My friend Barb passed away this morning. She was 61. Five months ago she discovered that she had lung cancer which had spread into her brain. I think she knew that she didn't have much time left. Once it's in your brain, there's not much else you can do, but she fought to the end. She had chemotherapy and radiation therapy but at the end of the day, she lost.

Barb and I met at my work. She was hired as the receiptionist and she was one of the funniest persons I knew. She laughed at everything - funny or not. She laughed at the hand she was dealt in life, which wasn't always great one. But I envied her always positive attitude.

We lost contact a few years ago. I left work to have a baby and she left after an accident left her unable to work. I thought about her often and had hoped that she would come through this cancer fine.

In true Barb fashion, she has donated her body to science. And I think that is the perfect ending to her life. I will miss my friend.

I Quit

I haven't posted in awhile, but I don't have a good excuse (except that I work full-time, raise a child and maintain a household).

When Carley had her 3 year checkup, they gave us a pamphlet telling us about age 3 and what to expect. One small line, not bolded, not italicized, stuck out at me. "Mom is really special right now"

I have to say I don't think special is the right word. I can't go more than 2 feet before Carley freaks out. I haven't been to the bathroom alone in...well, for as long as I can remember. If I take a shower, she comes with me. If I use the toilet, she comes too. If I make dinner, she needs to help. Even sleeping, lately. She insists that she has to be sleeping right next to me at all times. When I wake up to get ready for work, she wakes up as soon as she realizes I'm not there and gets really upset.

To say that this is a trying time for me is an understatement. I love my daughter more than anything, I really do, but even I need my space occassionally. My fuse has been short because I don't get the freedom to do anything. Not just some time for me, but even time to take a shower uninterrupted.

It's also a "no" phase. Sample conversation:

Me: "Let's go"

Carley: "No!"

Me: "Fine, let's stay."

Carley: "No!"

Somedays are just harder than others and today is one of those days so I told Carley I quit. I quit being mom. And her reaction was surprising....she cried. A lot! She told her dad that I was quitting and she was honestly upset about it.

I apologized and I am trying to be more patient with her and try to understand what she's feeling and why she needs to be with me all the time. Is she scared? Is she unsure of herself and her surroundings? I guess it's time for a bit of research.

In the meantime, I have revoked my resignation notice.