Lonliness

Lonliness. I'm amazed at how many people don't know the pain of lonliness. I'm glad they haven't had to experience it but I also think it is a disadvantage.

I didn't get married until I was 29. I lived alone for alot of years and my teen years were filled with exfreme lonliness with my parents working a lot and my brother had a license and a job so I had a lot of time alone.

I work with two women that others hate. These women talk alot and I've come to realize that they aren't terrible people, they are just lonely. I ask them about movies and other small things in their lives and we have pleasant conversations. It's because I understand where they are coming from.

Imagine for a second that you aren't married. You have no kids and no family nearby. You go to work and you come home. You live alone. Wouldn't you feel lonely too? Who would you talk to about the movie you rented, or the jerk at the store who cut in front of you?

My cousin is mentally ill and is making his way in the court system. Imagine now that you're not married, no kids and family is semi distant, now put a mental illness on top. Do you think you'd feel isolated and alone? I imagine that's how my cousin feels and it makes me sad. I want to be there for him because I have felt that lonliness. My family thinks I'm just a sensitve nutcase who doesn't see Ryan for what he is. But I think they were lucky enough to never feel alone.

I'm rambling at this point and everyone will think I'm a nutjob but I feel sadness for my cousin. That's all.

Buddhism

I've never been religious but that doesn't mean I don't believe that there's something after death. After some pondering I've realized that a lot if my own beliefs fall under Buddhism ideals.

I went to a book store tonight and got a book on Buddhist teachings. I don't know if this is for me or not but I'm curious. I will likely never go to a Buddhist church but I will read up and see I this religion is for me.

My parents are Catholic, my brother and sister-in-law are Christian so I am sure I will endure ridicule but I'm ready for it and maybe at the end I'll find nirvana.

Thoughts on Lost

It's a TV show. I know, but it's a TV show I have loved from episode 2. I can't say episode 1 because I recall thinking that this show had NO WHERE to go after (what we now know was the smoke) monster ripping up trees as the castaways waited for rescue on the beach. I thought it was ridiculous and stupid...yet I was curious enough to come back and I don't think I missed an episode in the 6 years it was on.

The finale gave us closure. **SPOILER ALERT** The castaways are all dead. But the island wasn't hell, really. It was hell the adjective not the noun.
The sideways stories was how they wanted their lives if they had never crashed but in reality was the "in between" death and the afterlife. Heavy stuff, right?

In the end, Lost was Jack's story. His path to enlightenment or whatever you believe. He
had peace with his life and he entered the afterlife with the people he loved and the people who were most important to him.

I am not religious in any way, shape or form. The only times I ever went to church was when I spent a Saturday night with my best friend who was Catholic. And even then I only went because I had a years long crush on her cousin. I think if I was to enter a church now, I just might burst into flames. But, I digress...

I am not sure if I believe in heaven. I think there are other ideas out there. I like how Lost ended because I like to think that when my life is over I might be reunited with those I love before moving on to the next life.

Internet blackout

Today I am in a self-imposed Internet blackout. How am I writing this? From my phone where I can post without nagivating through the information I'm trying to avoid.

Why am I doing this? Because the Lost finale is tonight. I love spoilers. I read about movies from a movie spoiler site when I hear a movie has a shocking ending. I try to find out who wins Survivor before an episode airs.

But with Lost, I'd like to find out how it's going to end as it appears on my screen so I haven't checked facebook, I haven't twittered, I haven't even read the news. And I can tell you that it feels great, being away from the Internet. I've read 3 magazines from beginning to end, played hide and seek and had a tea party and it's only noon.

I just might have to find another reason to do this again. I mean, there WAS a time when there was no Internet (how soon we forget).

Friends

I have recently recieved a two very nice compliments from friends and in receiving these compliments I have come to realize that I don't think very much of myself. I wish I knew why that was.

I have a belief that I am forgetful, almost like I"m invisible. I am there, but once I'm gone, so are all traces of me. I identify myself by full name (or title) when calling collegues and even when I call family members, who aren't my parents or sibling, I identify myself not only by my full name, but my full maiden name.

I don't know when it started, but I wish I knew why it started. The result is that I am surprised when I get a compliment.

The first was from someone who told me that she wanted to spend time with me outside of work. I never thought that spending time with me would be something people would find fun. I really haven't.

The other was a friend who told me that I always made her laugh and that she wished we lived closer.

It means a lot to me that my friends would say that, and even more so because they don't know that it meant a lot to me. I hope to instill better self-esteem in my daughter, because it's not fun, thinking people forget you the second you walk out of the room.

Goodbye

My friend Barb passed away this morning. She was 61. Five months ago she discovered that she had lung cancer which had spread into her brain. I think she knew that she didn't have much time left. Once it's in your brain, there's not much else you can do, but she fought to the end. She had chemotherapy and radiation therapy but at the end of the day, she lost.

Barb and I met at my work. She was hired as the receiptionist and she was one of the funniest persons I knew. She laughed at everything - funny or not. She laughed at the hand she was dealt in life, which wasn't always great one. But I envied her always positive attitude.

We lost contact a few years ago. I left work to have a baby and she left after an accident left her unable to work. I thought about her often and had hoped that she would come through this cancer fine.

In true Barb fashion, she has donated her body to science. And I think that is the perfect ending to her life. I will miss my friend.

I Quit

I haven't posted in awhile, but I don't have a good excuse (except that I work full-time, raise a child and maintain a household).

When Carley had her 3 year checkup, they gave us a pamphlet telling us about age 3 and what to expect. One small line, not bolded, not italicized, stuck out at me. "Mom is really special right now"

I have to say I don't think special is the right word. I can't go more than 2 feet before Carley freaks out. I haven't been to the bathroom alone in...well, for as long as I can remember. If I take a shower, she comes with me. If I use the toilet, she comes too. If I make dinner, she needs to help. Even sleeping, lately. She insists that she has to be sleeping right next to me at all times. When I wake up to get ready for work, she wakes up as soon as she realizes I'm not there and gets really upset.

To say that this is a trying time for me is an understatement. I love my daughter more than anything, I really do, but even I need my space occassionally. My fuse has been short because I don't get the freedom to do anything. Not just some time for me, but even time to take a shower uninterrupted.

It's also a "no" phase. Sample conversation:

Me: "Let's go"

Carley: "No!"

Me: "Fine, let's stay."

Carley: "No!"

Somedays are just harder than others and today is one of those days so I told Carley I quit. I quit being mom. And her reaction was surprising....she cried. A lot! She told her dad that I was quitting and she was honestly upset about it.

I apologized and I am trying to be more patient with her and try to understand what she's feeling and why she needs to be with me all the time. Is she scared? Is she unsure of herself and her surroundings? I guess it's time for a bit of research.

In the meantime, I have revoked my resignation notice.