Pacifier Detoxification

Pacifier Detoxification began yesterday. I just went for it and cut the tips on all the pacifiers (I already took most of them and hid them so we only have 4 left). At nap time, she told me they were broken and to throw them away. I thought it was going to be great.

At bedtime, it absolutely broke my heart. I don't think anyone can understand how it made it feel. I already know it has to be done. I already know it will pass. But when she started sucking on it and said it was broken, she told me to get a new one. But then she found a way to plug the hole so she could suck. The tone of her voice had so much sadness in it, it broke my heart. To take something away that has offered so much security for her really hurt ME.

I already know what everyone thinks, and that's fine, but I'm a sensitive person and it's my right to be sad for what I've done. I now need to think of another way to get rid of them. Maybe Chris needs to take charge, I don't know, but for now, it kills me that I did this.

And the worst part was? I had the most horrible dream ever in my entire life about Carley and what I did to her. Metaphor? Probably. The dream, without specifics, was that I killed her. This parenting thing is hard business.

Office Rant

This rant applies to any office of any size. I am speaking for the people......Please do not bring your breakfast, snacks and lunches for the entire week and store them in the office fridge. You don't need to bring a carton of soy milk for the one bowl of cereal you have in the morning. You don't need to have "options" when it comes to your morning yogurt. You don't need to bring 4 bags of different kinds of lettuce so that you can have the "big salad" at lunch. And if you are indecisive about which type of dressing to use? Bring small samples of all of them instead of littering the fridge door with your jars and jars and jars of dressing. The last time I checked, there was only 1 person who rode a bike to work, therefore only HE should be bringing a week's worth of food to keep in the fridge. You? You're driving your ass to work every day, so get up a little earlier and pack a lunch. Can't decide if you want banana or vanilla yogurt? Decide when you wake up.

I shouldn't have to move your milk, your yogurt, your apple, your butter, your dressing spray, your croutons just to be able to place a single can of pop in the fridge. I shouldn't have to move your moldy whatever-the-hell-that-is to put my lunch in the fridge.

Considering all the food I'm finding in the fridge I'm beginning to wonder if any part of your day is spent working, or if you are attempting to become the next Food Network Star. Either way....the fridge is not your personal storage container. You need to share it with 50 other people, so get up early, make your lunch before leaving your house and for God's sake....make a freaking dressing decision!!!

Decisions

If you think the decision to have a baby is hard, I think the decision to NOT have one is even harder. That's a decision we're wrestling with right now.

There are pros and cons to both, but the big con is...how do we pay for it? The thing that stumps me is, I've asked around and no one seems to be able to tell me what they do to afford 2 kids. I've asked working moms, I've asked stay-at-home moms and I have yet to get a single straight answer. Do families use credit cards? Do they cut out everything in their life? I don't know and I can't quite figure it out.

With one income we'd have to figure out how to pay just for the basics of survival...the mortgage. Food. Diapers. Cars and the insurance for them. Clothing. Of course, all the utilities that go with running a house (power, gas, water, association dues) And we aren't poor, but we don't use credit cards. We'd have to cut out pretty much everything...TV, internet, cell phones, all extra spending as well as cutting our grocery bill down to next to nothing and I just don't know how we'd do that?

Assuming I could work, I'd then have to put 2 kids in day care. 1 kid for 5 full days a week is around $600/month minimum. 2 kids? That's my entire paycheck so then we're right back where we've started.

That's the biggest problem. And it's a terrible problem to have, because I don't want Carley to be an only child, I think she'd love a sibling. But the cost for us to even get pregnant is pretty high, and I've been told that the meds for it have recently doubled.

So what do we do? I wish nature would make the choice for us, and maybe it will, but it's a decision that has been heartbreaking to think about.

If we didn't have any more kids, we know we could give Carley a good quality life. And that makes me happy. It's wrapping my head (and heart) around that decision.

Parenting

No one ever tells you how to be a parent, because it's different for every person, with every child. I know I'm criticized for how I approach parenting, but I'll tell you, I think I'm a damn good mother.

I don't win every battle, but I do win the important ones. I am strict when I need to be, I am softie when I want to be. I have made decisions for my daughter that are different than those around me, and maybe even "controversial", but in the end it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

At the end of the day, I know I'm a good mom. And how do I know this? When I walk in the room after not seeing my daughter for the day, she comes out running, screaming "mom!" and gives me a huge hug, as if I've been gone for days.

There is no better reward, no better validation than that.

Harry Potter

Harry Potter. I don't know when I became a fan. I don't know when I started reading the books, but I do remember who turned me on to them. A woman I work with, Terri, was raving about them. She carried it with her around work and I had heard a few things so I decided to pick them up and try it. Little did I know I would fall in love with the books and read the entire series at least 10 times (no joke).

The movies, I love too, and part of my love stemmed from finding something my niece, Lena, and I could share together. We have seen the last 2 Harry Potter movies together and tomorrow we'll see the Half-Blood Prince.

I love the Harry Potter world and I love that it's something Lena and I get to share. Tomorrow we shall don our Gryffindor scarfs my mom knitted for us and head to the theater. Will I look like a dork? Yup. Do I care? Nope. I have something that is just between Lena and I and that is what I love most about Harry Potter.

I'm famous!

Part of what I do at work is to process fugitives - people who have warrants out for their arrest from a State other than Washington. Most of the time, they are boring, but on Wednesday, June 17, 2009 we got a very public fugitive - Ryan Leaf.

He's an ex-NFL football player, generally regarded as one of the top 3 busts of the NFL. After being drafted number 2, his career went nowhere and he lost it, mentally.

In 2008, according to general google searches for Ryan Leaf, he broke into the house of a player and stole drugs. A warrant was issued for his arrest and he fled into Canada.

Whatcom County, being a border county on I-5 gets hundreds of fugitives a year. It's part of where we're at. When Ryan Leaf attempted to come back to the U.S. he was arrested at the border on his outstanding warrant.

Note...if you ever have a warrant issued for your arrest - don't try to cross an international border. I know Canada doesn't always feel like another country, but it is. And they'll get you.

Since Mr. Leaf was a guest in our fine detention facility, I had to process him. He happened to get arrested at a time when all of our Prosecutor's were at a conference so I was the one fielding the press phone calls. One report was an AP reporter and as it turns out, AP news is worldwide.

So my name, and my quotes which were business related, has ended up all over the world. I've been in papers such as the USA Today, ESPN, CNN, MSNBC, NBC Sports, Fox Sports, The NY Daily News and many, many, many more.

A google search of my name results in just under 6,000 hits. 3270 hits relating to Ryan Leaf and my quote.

I know it's not a big deal and I'm nothing in this story but in my world, it's so exciting. I love to be able to google my name and find that people all over the world have read my name. It's just...exciting (for me and Chris and Carley).

The article is the same all over and here it is from the June 17, 2009 USA Today:



Leaf posts bond after arrest at U.S.-Canada border

CANYON, Texas (AP) — Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf posted a $45,000 bond Wednesday in Washington for drug and burglary charges out of Texas after being arrested by customs agents as he returned to the United States from Canada.

James Farren, the district attorney in Randall County in West Texas, said Leaf was arrested Wednesday by federal customs agents. Legal assistant Jennifer Bonstein said Leaf declined to waive extradition during a hearing Wednesday afternoon in Bellingham, Wash., about 90 miles north of Seattle.

Wendy Jones, chief corrections deputy for the Whatcom County Jail, confirmed that Leaf posted bond Wednesday evening.

Leaf's attorney in Washington told the court Leaf would post the bond and return to Texas by himself. Leaf also was to come back to court in Whatcom County on July 16, Bonstein said.

Bill Kelly, Leaf's attorney in Texas, said his client was returning to Texas to turn himself in by a Thursday deadline.

Disappointment

Well, the sort of secret is that Chris and I have been trying to have another baby. I think everyone suspects that we have been trying, but we haven't told anyone. We've been trying for over a year without success.

Unfortunately, this month, I let myself believe that I was pregnant. Everything was looking good, even the doctor said so, but I was wrong.

We aren't sure what we are going to do now. My condition alone made it hard for us to have Carley, but since her, I've turned 35 (and 36) and 35 really is that magical number. I wish I hadn't allowed myself to be hopeful this time.

I don't want to talk about it, because it makes me sad to see others get pregnant so easliy and even see others who aren't as happy to be pregnant as I would be. I'll keep hoping, but the reality is, Carley may be an only child.