Pacifier Detoxification began yesterday. I just went for it and cut the tips on all the pacifiers (I already took most of them and hid them so we only have 4 left). At nap time, she told me they were broken and to throw them away. I thought it was going to be great.
At bedtime, it absolutely broke my heart. I don't think anyone can understand how it made it feel. I already know it has to be done. I already know it will pass. But when she started sucking on it and said it was broken, she told me to get a new one. But then she found a way to plug the hole so she could suck. The tone of her voice had so much sadness in it, it broke my heart. To take something away that has offered so much security for her really hurt ME.
I already know what everyone thinks, and that's fine, but I'm a sensitive person and it's my right to be sad for what I've done. I now need to think of another way to get rid of them. Maybe Chris needs to take charge, I don't know, but for now, it kills me that I did this.
And the worst part was? I had the most horrible dream ever in my entire life about Carley and what I did to her. Metaphor? Probably. The dream, without specifics, was that I killed her. This parenting thing is hard business.
